Don't Tell Me What To Do

-I am autonomous  -Submit to the face diaper  -Liberate your face  -Social psychosis  -Faux Biden/Faux Joe  -Thief-in-chief  -Jesus for president  -Lock-down exempt  -Darren without borders  -Oppression: I'm lovin' it  -Submit or die  -Peaceful violence  -Fake science  -Conspiracy fact  -Don't worry, you're next  -Land of the sheep, home of the depraved  -Fear everything  -Cancel everything  -Bankrupt everything  -Everything is stupid  -Lead the sheep  -Sheep think

Okay, it looks like I need to take over as things are a mess in this world. Here is what we do next: >Every human 12 and over will spend 1 week each year in the wild killing, cleaning and cooking their own food while living in a shelter they built >Every human at the age of 18 will serve in the military for 1 year. I do feel bad for the military leaders, but this is a necessary cost to produce quality humans >Every human, after military service, at age 20 then 30 and again at 40 will visit struggling nations for 90 days and provide meaniful service to the citizens >Every family will work their own farm land to produce their own meat, fruit and vegetables. However, you can still get Duritos at the store >We will create a bill of responsibilites to supplement the bill of rights. Like, you are responsible to clean up your messes, be a good neighbor and provide for yourself. Crazy stuff like that Side note: The federal government will be reduced to fit in the box it start...

Many years ago, I worked with a kid named Russ. Each day, I would ask Russ how he was doing and pretty much without fail, Russ would say "I feel like shit". To this day, when I am not feeling well, I will say "I feel like Russ". Throughout life, you will leave your mark on people and not realize it. What mark will you leave? Think about that!

 Fun stuff >How much excrement?-Jeremy Clarkson >We're not happy until you're not happy >My dogs are barkin' >Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth-Mike Tyson >If it was up your butt, you would know where it is >None of us is as dumb as all of us >Feast your eyes >Bumpus hounds >Rocket doctor >Cheese budge-Paisley >Double O negative >Flushy push malloweens-Home Star Runner >Haymakers >Loud boots-Phil Robertson >Pistol whip >Ragged hole >Butt rocket >Snorkel face >Chudnovsky >Water joker-Si Robertson >Soda jerk >Horse giblets-Strongbad >Bingo wings >Waxford >Snot rocket >Fiddlehead >Smoke wagon

Here is my bucket list >Wrestle alligator >Get tazed >Go viral >Punch a cow in the face >Drive van through corn field >See the earth from space >Try dental gas >See aurora borealis >Travel on cargo ship >Get shot out of cannon

Funerals can be a good time to reflect on all the things. I request that my funeral be not that. Here are my wishes: >Freeze my body and shoot me out of a cannon into shark infested waters. Shark Popsicle! >Play on a loop: Cum on Feel the Noise by Quiet Riot and Another One Bites the Dust by Queen >Mountain Dew fountain to quench all the thirst >Donut tower for sustenance and keep the party going >Sky banner that says "Adios Bart" >Party favors - knives, flashlights and rope >The Woman to recite from memory all my annoying behavior and Darrenisms

Pirates take what they can and give nothing back. Our kids are pirates. Do the garbage cans empty themselves? No. Does the garage door close itself? No. Do the dishes do themselves? No. Our kids think these answers are yes because some legit magic gets the work done and they are jerks and pirates.