Don't Tell Me What To Do

 Fun stuff >How much excrement?-Jeremy Clarkson >We're not happy until you're not happy >My dogs are barkin' >Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth-Mike Tyson >If it was up your butt, you would know where it is >None of us is as dumb as all of us >Feast your eyes >Bumpus hounds >Rocket doctor >Cheese budge-Paisley >Double O negative >Flushy push malloweens-Home Star Runner >Haymakers >Loud boots-Phil Robertson >Pistol whip >Ragged hole >Butt rocket >Snorkel face >Chudnovsky >Water joker-Si Robertson >Soda jerk >Horse giblets-Strongbad >Bingo wings >Waxford >Snot rocket >Fiddlehead >Smoke wagon

Here is my bucket list >Wrestle alligator >Get tazed >Go viral >Punch a cow in the face >Drive van through corn field >See the earth from space >Try dental gas >See aurora borealis >Travel on cargo ship >Get shot out of cannon

Funerals can be a good time to reflect on all the things. I request that my funeral be not that. Here are my wishes: >Freeze my body and shoot me out of a cannon into shark infested waters. Shark Popsicle! >Play on a loop: Cum on Feel the Noise by Quiet Riot and Another One Bites the Dust by Queen >Mountain Dew fountain to quench all the thirst >Donut tower for sustenance and keep the party going >Sky banner that says "Adios Bart" >Party favors - knives, flashlights and rope >The Woman to recite from memory all my annoying behavior and Darrenisms

Pirates take what they can and give nothing back. Our kids are pirates. Do the garbage cans empty themselves? No. Does the garage door close itself? No. Do the dishes do themselves? No. Our kids think these answers are yes because some legit magic gets the work done and they are jerks and pirates.

Some people say love is the universal language. I say it is pain. Everyone understands pain. Let's say some degenerate is doing you harm. You give him some love and he doesn't stop, then give him pain...enough pain and he will stop. The universal language is pain.